


Waning Gibbous

by Kyra_Bane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character deaths are canon compliant, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Growing Up, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:05:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3408230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyra_Bane/pseuds/Kyra_Bane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snapshots of Sirius' and Remus' relationship from their first year onward. Inspired by this prompt: "The day after the full moon."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't remember where I got that prompt from - so if anyone has seen it, or you know where it was posted, let me know! Otherwise, I hope you enjoy this. It's going to be long-ish, so I will, with any luck, be pretty much on it with the updates. Any errors are my own, let me know about those too! :)

When the Sorting Hat announces, "Gryffindor!" with what Sirius thinks is a touch of smugness in its voice, he isn't sure whether he feels resentment or relief. He can hear mutters from the Slytherin table as he hops off the stool and though he avoids the accusing eyes of most of his cousins, he is sure that he doesn't imagine Andromeda's pleased smirk. 

One of the older Gryffindors claps him on the shoulder when he sits down and he hears something further down the table that sounds like, "Can't believe we've got a Black." He ignores it. Truthfully, he hadn't know what he would do until he sat up there, the dark, claustrophobic interior of the hat finally silencing his doubts. He doesn't want to be in Slytherin, not really. 

Anything that might have been resentment slides away at that last thought. He can deal with the rest later. 

He's tapping fingers on the table a few minutes later, hungry and a little bored now that his turn is done, when he glances up at the newest Gryffindor to be sorted - "Lupin, Remus." The kid puts the hat back on the stool and smooths down his robes as he takes a few shaky steps toward the Gryffindor table, though he still looks vaguely crumpled to Sirius' eyes. He's small, too, incredibly so. Still, when he slides into a seat further down and meets Sirius' gaze, he doesn't look away. 

It lasts a moment, broken by the announcement of another name and Remus turns his head to politely watch. 

The feast, when it comes, is all that Sirius expected and more - and one of the other new Gryffindors Sirius met on the train, James, is sitting by his side, keeping up a constant stream of chatter even with his mouth full. Sirius is aware that although no one is protesting his presence in this house, there is still a barrier between him and the others. He doesn't let it worry him. It'll pass.

They follow the prefects up to the dormitories later and James hooks an arm around Sirius' shoulders when he finds out they're in the same room, his grin wide and unabashed. Sirius has never had a friend like James before - he knows they're friends already, because James has said so, which is new in and of itself - and he grins back, following him up to their room. They unpack and chatter, meeting two of their other roommates, a boy names Peter and another who looks vaguely queasy the whole time and when the door opens and Remus comes in, Sirius pauses in piling his books up next to his bed. 

No one else seems to notice, though Remus' eyes flick to him before he looks at the other boys in the room. James is already bounding over to him, sticking out a hand for Remus to shake, which he does, albeit somewhat cautiously. "I'm James," he says, "James Potter."

"Remus Lupin," Remus says and nods to the others. He begins a quiet conversation with the queasy-looking boy, who Sirius assumes is muggle-born and Sirius only looks up when James bounces down onto his bed. 

"You excited for class?" he asks Sirius, who barks out a laugh in reply. 

"Maybe," he hedges. No point in sounding too eager, but James' smile is a little knowing. 

When Sirius looks back up, he notices Remus watching him again. It's not as unsettling as it should be.

***

At first, it's just the two of them - him and James. They're partners in class and they mess around at the back (when they can get away with it, which is to say _not_ in McGonagall's class) and by the end of their first month, between them they've landed detention a total of eighteen times. A red-haired girl in their class tells them that she's heard it's a new record and, when Sirius laughs, assures him that it's not something to be proud of. 

They talk to the other boys in their room and sit with them for dinner on occasion, but Remus at least seems too interested in class to be drawn into their games.

Then there's the night when he doesn't come back to the room. Sirius only notices because they're usually the two up the latest - James works all his energy off in the day and always falls asleep earlier than Sirius expects him to - and worry knots in his stomach as the hour grows ever later. It's definitely past curfew, but Remus said nothing to them in the day about not being here. Sirius frowns. He has looked awfully pale, the last few days. Maybe he's just sick.

It's enough of a comforting thought that Sirius eventually nods off to sleep, though his dreams are far from pleasant and he wakes up just after sunrise, when there are still streaks of orange in the sky.

At first he wonders what woke him, but then he notices Remus' small frame in the corner, near his own bed and he sits up. "Remus," he says, careful to keep his voice a whisper. Everyone else drew the curtains around their beds last night, but he's pretty sure the curtains don't keep that much noise out.

Remus freezes and when he looks at Sirius, Sirius winces. He's paler than he's been all week and there are dark circles under his eyes. It looks like he's been punched, quite honestly, and Sirius is out of bed before he even thinks twice about it.

"What happened?" he asks as he gets closer. "You were gone all night..."

Remus swallows and this time he does drop his gaze to his bed, then forces it back up again. "I was in the infirmary," he says. "It's nothing serious, just- They wanted to keep an eye on me."

Sirius nods, thinking that it looks serious as hell, but he knows well enough when a subject should be dropped. "It wasn't," he begins, but then isn't sure how he wants to finish the sentence. "No one-"

Remus shakes his head sharply and sucks in a breath like it hurts him to move. "It's nothing serious," he repeats. "I get sick a lot." He offers Sirius a weak smile and Sirius, unable to do anything else, returns it. He isn't sure he believes Remus but there are ways of fixing that, of keeping an eye out for him. 

"All right," he replies. "So long as you're sure."

This gets a little more of the steel back in Remus' gaze, a look that is vaguely familiar to Sirius, probably because it's directed at him every time Remus sees him messing around instead of doing his homework. He grins. "You gonna sleep now?"

Remus nods. Sirius steps back, heading for his own bed - because he feels like he'll be able to sleep better now, knowing that Remus is, in fact, okay. 

"Remus?" he whispers again before he gets into bed.

"Yes, Sirius?"

"If- If you want to hang out today, with me and James, I mean, then you can. We're going to go explore the grounds some more."

Remus' side of the room is still in shadow and Sirius senses rather than sees his smile. "That sounds fun," he says. "I'd like that."

They say nothing more, but Sirius falls back asleep with a smile on his face.


	2. Chapter 2

In hindsight, it takes Sirius a lot longer to work it out than he'd care to admit.

They make it through first year without getting expelled (which Sirius thinks is against all odds) and after a summer where his parents, after the initial screaming, which works as well as it ever has, basically ignore him but Regulus follows him around like a lost puppy, Sirius is glad to be back. The first two months pass without incident – James insists that setting a small, easily put out fire does not constitute an _incident_ – and though Remus still goes missing every so often, Sirius knows better than to ask him about it.

He always offers them a reason now, anyway. His mother's ill, often. He's sick, too. Something else with the family. He's provided a reason every time since that first one, when Sirius caught him sneaking back in. 

James offers his sympathies every time and doesn't seem to think on it any. It's just the way things are, he says to Sirius one night, when Sirius can't sleep. Peter's snores are quiet but they fill the room well enough. It's just the four of them now and they've banded together, so it's odd when Remus isn't there, even if it is pretty often.

It's December when he realises. James is asleep, Peter too. Sirius has his arms crossed behind his head and the curtains around his bed are open – in case Remus does come back in the middle of the night. He doesn't always come back after one night; sometimes it's two or three, but Sirius is ever optimistic that he won't stay away at all.

He sighs, shifts onto his stomach and looks out of the window near his bed. It's a windy night – it's been threatening to snow all week, too, which James is inordinately pleased about – and the whistle of air through the trees is a little unsettling. 

It's not too dark to see, however. The moon is full and large, illuminating the grounds set out below them. Sirius looks, although he has the layout committed to memory and when his neck starts to hurt, he rolls onto his back again-

And promptly sits bolt upright because _how did he not get this before?!_

He concedes, quickly, that most witches and wizards in the school wouldn't have worked it out, but then, there are a lot of muggle-borns and they don't study dark creatures until third year at least and-

Sirius swallows around whatever's stuck in his throat. He doesn't want to think it's fear, because that's just cruel, but his hands are a little clammy and his pulse is racing. His eyes find the sleeping forms of James and Peter in the darkness. Do they know? Peter, definitely not. He doesn't think James does either, because he thinks James would have told him already, tried to work out how to approach the situation.

He wants to wake James right now, to tell him that he thinks _maybe_ , possibly he might be right- but he knows that isn't the right course of action, either. 

Instead, he falls back down to his bed, his head hitting the pillow with a muffled thump. 

Remus is a werewolf, Sirius is pretty sure. It would explain a lot of things – why he always looks like hell the next day, even if his mother is supposedly ill; why he's always going missing for at least one night – and Sirius is _positive_ it's always on the full moon, though he thinks he'll have to keep track, have to check-

He isn't sure when he falls asleep, finally, but when he wakes up the room is bright and James and Peter have gone. It's a Sunday, which means they'll be making trouble Merlin knows where and Sirius sits up, wiping his groggy eyes.

Movement alerts him to Remus and he smiles at the other boy sleepily before his thoughts from last night catch up to him. Remus looks like crap, as usual – but this time, Sirius thinks he can see a red mark, like a scratch, poking out from underneath his mussed collar.

Remus shrugs the shirt up properly when he notices where Sirius is staring and his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. Sirius swears he's planned to do more research, to approach this carefully, cautiously (which he knows isn't like him, but this is Remus, who some days fights James in Sirius' head for the spot of best friend), but when Remus opens his mouth to say something, Sirius blurts out, "I know."

Remus eyebrows shoot up so fast, they almost reach his hairline. He tries to cover his surprise though, turning his expression carefully blank. "Know what?" he asks.

"I _know_ , Remus," Sirius says. He doesn't think he's been this serious about anything in his life and it's kind of scary, but he also needs Remus to know that he knows so that he doesn't do something to mess it all up.

"Well. I." Remus paces back and forth for a moment and when he reaches to run a hand through his hair, Sirius sees that it's shaking. He thinks he can see the pulse racing in Remus' throat, too, even from this distance. He wonders whether he should get out of bed and then isn't sure what to do if he does.

"I guess, I'll-" Remus closes his mouth, then reaches for his books, which are piled high next to his bed. "I'll stay somewhere else, at least. I'll have to- I mean, I knew this was a bad idea-"

Sirius does jump out of bed at that, crossing the room quickly to tug the books out of Remus' hands. Remus looks at him, his expression utterly defeated. "I don't want you to go anywhere," Sirius says, quietly. He knows it's true. They've been together in this room for a full year before this. 

Besides, it's Remus. Remus is patient and gentle and, above all, entirely in control. Sirius knows that it's probably different when the wolf comes out in him, but clearly he has something worked out for that situation. 

Remus looks surprised, but there's some disbelief in his eyes. He shakes his head. "No. It's only a matter of time."

"I won't tell anyone," Sirius says - pleads. "Just stay. I won't even tell James, I promise. You can't leave us."

He's not sure which sentence tips Remus over the edge, but suddenly his eyes are welling with tears and Sirius drops the books on Remus' bed so that he can hug him. It should be kind of awkward, he thinks, but then he can't think of any other action that wouldn't be, so he holds on until Remus sniffs a couple of times and pulls back. "You don't care?" Remus asks.

"No," Sirius says, because there's the initial confusion at figuring out that one of your best mates is a werewolf and then there's the aftermath. Plus, now it means he knows what to look out for. 

He smiles at Remus and, tentatively, Remus returns it. They both put the books back and Sirius showers and changes as Remus settles down for a nap. Before he heads out to find James and Peter, Sirius looks at the sleeping boy for a long moment. Whatever feeling it is that settles in his chest, it isn't disgust, or fear. He thinks, maybe, it's some form of relief.

**

Sirius isn't quite sure when James figures it out. He certainly doesn't tell him, but James is much smarter than even he gives himself credit for, sometimes. 

Either way, he doesn't mention it. Sirius jokes with Remus about it occasionally, when he's sure the other two aren't anywhere nearby. Eventually, Remus seems at ease with the idea of someone else knowing.

Two months after Sirius' own revelation, Remus returns in the evening instead of the morning. He looks particularly bad this time - Sirius winces at the pale, haggard look on his face. He smiles weakly when he notices Sirius looking.

James looks up, looks between the two of them and then returns to reading through his Charms book, smirking a little. Sirius frowns but doesn't say anything. He knows if James is reading something he's trying to come up with a good idea for another prank, anyway. He probably hasn't even noticed.

Peter is still struggling with his Astronomy homework. "Are you alright, Remus?" he asks as Remus lowers himself to the floor next to Sirius and Remus only nods.

Peter frowns, narrowing his eyes - then, to Sirius' dawning horror, he glances between the parchment he's been working on all day, to the sky outside, then back at Remus.

Sirius thinks Remus realises what's going to happen only about a half-second after he does and out of the corner of his eye, he sees Remus' spine go rigid. 

It's James who speaks, though. "It's not like it changes anything, does it, Pete?"

Peter blinks owlishly, glancing between James, who has a deceptively mild expression on his face, and Remus, who looks like he'd run if he thought he could. 

Peter shakes his head and then laughs to himself. It's a little weak and a little high, but it's enough to relax the atmosphere a little - enough for James to return his eyes to his book, at least.

Sirius gapes at his best friend and then he's laughing himself, loud and long. James' lips twitch and he hears Remus join in next to him. 

It doesn't change a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, chapter 2! So it's proving a little difficult to write these guys as younger than about fifteen, but I think second year is when they found out about Remus' furry little problem, so they were supposed to be in second year here. Still, we're moving onto fifth year in the next chapter :D hope you're enjoying it!


	3. Chapter 3

Over the summer, James has apparently been thinking about something that isn't a method to one day win over Evans, or to not get kicked out of school. Sirius is a little surprised. He's more surprised when James only seems to want to share his new plan with himself and Peter. 

It's not difficult for them to find time without Remus around, what with his new job as a Prefect (which they spend so much time teasing him about at first that he threatens them with detention on multiple occasions). James gathers Sirius and Peter in their room, making sure the door is magically locked and no one will be able to eavesdrop before he begins.

Sirius, lying on his bed in the hopes that he'll be able to soak up the last of the autumn sunshine, raises a lazy eyebrow. "Worried a herd of centaurs are going to stampede through, Potter?"

James laughs sarcastically and Peter, still standing in the centre of the room, fidgets a little. 

"What's going on?" Sirius asks when the silence has dragged on for too long. "What's so important that Moony couldn't even be involved? As much as he complains, you know he'll be pissed off if you make him miss out on the planning for a prank."

"It's not about a prank," James says and for the first time, he looks a little unsure. "And it's to do with Moony. Moony and his furry little problem."

Sirius lifts himself up onto his elbows. He's not sure he likes where this is going. "What are you planning, Potter?"

Peter looks a little panicked now. Sirius and James don't fight often, but the handful of arguments they've had have ended spectacularly. Sirius can't blame the way Peter eyes the door.

"Nothing like that," James says, a wounded note entering his tone. "It's something that I think might help him. But it's dangerous."

Peter opens his mouth. "More dangerous than-"

Sirius doesn't get to hear which example was about to tumble out of his mouth, because James just looks at him sharply and says, "Yes." 

He does look very serious. Sirius frowns. "Alright," he says. "What plan?"

"What if we learnt how to become animagi?" James says, all in a rush.

For a moment, Sirius sits there, stunned. Peter looks between them again and Sirius knows he's trying to interpret the look on his face. 

The fact is, it's a genius plan. Of course, they don't know what animals they'll turn into, or how long it might take, or anything else - but Sirius is all for doing anything that could help him help Remus that one time a month he can't touch-

"I'm not sure," Peter says and James makes a quiet sound in the back of his throat. 

"You think you can still forge Flitwick's signature?" Sirius asks Peter instead and a grin spreads large across James' face. 

Peter looks a little confused, but he nods. He's got surprisingly good penmanship, as they all found out to their advantage in third year. "Why?" he asks.

"If we're doing this, I think we're going to need some books from the Restricted Section," Sirius replies.

**

It takes a few months. 

In and of itself, the magic isn't that complicated - at least not for Sirius or James, who consistently do well in class despite their lack of attention or interest. Peter struggles at first, but with the two others coaching him, he catches on quickly. Keeping everything a secret from Remus is somewhat of a struggle and it becomes exhausting after a while, but Sirius holds on with the knowledge that if they manage this, there's no way Remus will be anything but please.

Well, he hopes. 

Sometimes he suspects that McGonagall knows - she's an animagus herself, after all - because she fixes the three of them with knowing looks sometimes, but as with every other suspicion in his life, he assumes that if she did know, she'd say something.

Obviously, the nights when they get the most done are the ones where Remus is out doing Prefect duties and when the moon is full.

December comes and they decide to try it for the first time. It's a full moon and Remus has been looking decidedly out of it all week, so Sirius figures he might not even be back in the dorm tomorrow. 

They keep their lights low; even if they're in their room, they don't want to attract attention. James is a bundle of excessive nervous energy. Peter looks vaguely green. Sirius isn't sure what his face is giving away, but his pulse is racing. They're going to try this.

It's a long night and when it's done, Sirius aches all over - and he still hasn't managed it. Disappointment settles low in his stomach. 

Peter's not doing any better, though it's not that surprising. He's still having some trouble with the spell and Sirius makes a mental note that they'll have to go through it again.

James' face is paler than Sirius has ever seen it but there's something alight in his dark eyes. 

"One more time," he says.

"Not me, mate," Sirius replies. "I'm beat and I'm not getting any closer than I was an hour ago. Pete?"

"Nah, me neither," Peter says. 

James grins. "I'm gonna try it one more time."

Sirius shrugs and leans back to watch as James tries the spell again. As with the other times, nothing physically happens - though Sirius figures that, like he, James can see the animal he might become. 

Sirius is already excited that he'll get to turn into a dog. He always wanted one growing up, for one thing, and there's another part of his mind that happily points out that dogs and wolves aren't really that far apart, in the grand scheme of things.

He glances up again and feels his jaw drop when he realises - it's working! James is changing!

Sirius clambers to his feet, noticing Peter do the same out of the corner of his eye, and they take a few steps backwards. It turns out to be a good decision, too, because when the stag that James apparently has the power to turn into tosses its head, its antlers cut through the air where they had both been standing a few moments before.

"Merlin's beard," Sirius whispers, entirely in awe of his best friend. 

He reaches a hand out and the stag - James - steps forwards, letting Sirius runs his fingers over his head and down his neck. He touches his antlers too, but James trots back out of reach.

Sirius starts laughing. He's still disappointed he hasn't managed it, but this is incredible and now he knows they can do it, it's only a matter of time before he gets it, too. Peter's laughing along with him and there's a few seconds where the stag stands still - and then James is back before them, his grin wide enough to split his face in two. 

"You did it!" Sirius exclaims, knowing it's defunct but wanting to say it anyway.

James runs a hand through his hair and laughs with them. 

A noise outside of their door has all three of them stopping, though as Sirius exchanges glances with the pair, he knows they're close to giggles. 

"When's Moony on Prefect duty?" James asks, when they're sure they're all alone again. 

"I think Thursday?" Sirius replies. 

James nods. "You'll get it then," he says.

Sirius nods his reply, still smiling. He looks at Peter. "We'll go through the spells with you again, Pete," he says, "And you'll get it too."

They all go to bed with smiles on their faces.

**

Sure enough, Sirius gets it on the next try and then Peter soon after. His turning into a rat does make James laugh for a solid ten minutes, until Peter points out that his smaller size might have its advantages – for one, if they need to sneak around the castle, a stag is going to be rather conspicuous.

Sirius thinks James pouts for a while after that. He's a little proud of his animagus form, but then, Sirius has to admit, it is pretty damn cool.

They all stay at Hogwarts over the Christmas break and there's a quiet, heated discussion between Sirius and James as to whether they should present their animagus forms as Remus' Christmas present. Sirius says no because he knows Remus will just tell them he'll hurt them and might possibly even turn them in; James says yes because he's mostly being impatient. Sirius wins in the end and all four of them exchange presents like normal, with Remus still none the wiser.

The next full moon is soon after the New Year. Again, in the run up to the moon, Remus looks terribly out of sorts, which Sirius does mention to him.

He laughs. "I know," he says. "It's just-" He looks around. They're in the library. James has gone off to bother Evans somewhere and Sirius thinks Peter has followed him. There aren't that many students in the castle so they have almost the entire library to themselves.

"It's just what?"

"The- It wants to run," Remus says, a note of helplessness in his voice. 

"And you-?"

"Well, you know where they put me," Remus replies.

Sirius does. He sneaked out one night to find out, in fact – only to get a terrible telling off from Remus the next day. Still, it's good to know the Shrieking Shack isn't actually haunted.

"It's actually that small inside?" Sirius asks.

Remus hums his agreement, turning back to his Potions essay. "It's fine," he says after a moment, noticing, Sirius presumes, the lack of shift in his expression. "Don't worry about it. School starts again on Monday, so you know I'll be back to normal by then."

He smiles and Sirius smiles back.

**

The air is fresh – too fresh. There was a rabbit here. He sticks his nose into the grass, inhaling deeply and the stag to his right nudges him with its antlers.

Right, Remus. The plan.

It's difficult to focus, Sirius thinks. He doesn't know how it is for the others, but for him, there's so much to hear. So much to smell.

He hears the rustle of something in the grass and wants to investigate, but Peter-as-a-rat ("Wormtail," James had managed to force out, laughing almost drunkenly after Peter's first transformation) has already darted underneath the Whomping Willow, so he knows there's no time for that. 

The tree stops moving and Sirius outstrips even James in his sudden excitement. He slinks down into the tunnel and all of a sudden, down here, all he can smell is Remus.

He's noticed it a couple of times when they've transformed in the dorms, that he can pick up the scents of the other three boys – with James and Peter always taking priority because they've physically been there – but here it's _all Remus_. This is his place and for a moment Sirius pauses, his ears flattening instinctively.

His human side rears up. No, he can go in. He'll have to be careful with the wolf, but he's a large dog and hopefully, Remus will recognise his scent too.

He trots up the stairs and hears James' tentative steps behind him. He lets his tongue loll out as he thinks about how difficult it's going to be for him with hoofs. He'll have to ask about that in the morning.

The smell is stronger up here. It's almost overwhelming. Sirius sniffs by the door and fights the urge to roll over and whine. Instead, he nudges the door open with his nose-

And he's immediately pinned to the floor by the wolf.

It's holding its teeth at his neck and Sirius lets the canine instincts he's been fighting take over. He can smell James' panic from here and Merlin only knows where Pete's wandered off to. 

He lets out a little whine and the wolf pulls its head back, sniffing the air. It's Remus, Sirius reminds himself, though those yellow eyes are nothing like the soft brown of his friend. 

There's another huff of his air to his left – it's James, his head lowered threateningly. Remus-the-wolf eyes him warily. Then he lifts off Sirius entirely and pads back into the room with a low growl. 

Sirius bounces to his feet and shoots James a look. His tail is wagging. Inside, the wolf paces but when they enter, he doesn't attack. 

Sirius is totally counting that as a win.

**

When Sirius wakes up sometime in the early afternoon, he winces at the sunlight streaming directly into his face.

"What time is it?" he mutters into his pillow.

He hears a grunt from James' bed.

"Wormtail!" Sirius shouts. 

Peter lets out a startled squeak. 

"Time?" Sirius asks.

"It's two in the afternoon," says another voice, sounding dryly amused.

Sirius blinks a couple of times and sits up. Remus is sitting on his bed, looking better than he has all week. 

James is fumbling around for his glasses. Sirius doesn't know about the other two, but he aches all over. It's not quite like having a hangover, but it's not far off.

"Alright, Moony?" James asks.

Remus hums, fixing each of them with a look. "Mind telling me what happened last night?" he asks.

Sirius raises his eyebrows. Well, straight to the point then.

"What do you mean?" James asks, ever evasive.

"What happened?" Remus asks. His expression falters suddenly. "Did anything happen? I mean-"

James laughs, throwing back his duvet and taking a few wobbly steps. So, he's aching at least. Sirius smirks.

"You have to promise not to be mad with us," Sirius says before James does anything. 

Remus frowns. "I'm not promising that."

"Then you promise to listen to our explanation _before_ you get mad?" James asks.

Remus nods. He looks unsettled. Sirius doesn't blame him.

"You first, Pete," James says, grinning. 

Peter groans but does as he's told – and Sirius thinks it's as much a testament to his and James' work as it is Peter's determination, the ease at which their friend transforms now. 

Remus frowns, standing when he sees the rat on the floor. The expression on his face is changing from one of trepidation to horror. "You didn't…?"

James doesn't let his grin slip – and when he transforms into the stag, Remus lets out an audible gasp. Sirius fights the urge to roll his eyes. _Of course._

When he looks back, Remus is staring directly at him. "Well, go on then," he says.

"What, Moony, not mad?"

"I said I'd reserve judgement." His smile turns a little devilish. "Unless you couldn't do it…?"

Sirius frowns and throws back his own duvet, transforming into the dog before his feet even touch the floor. He bounds over to Remus, his tail wagging hard and lets out a contented whine when Remus buries his hands in his fur. 

He looks up and Remus' eyes are noticeably wet. "I remember you," he says quietly. He rubs a hand over his face. His voice trembles when he looks at all three of them and says, "Thank you," and Sirius lets his tail keep wagging because this is honestly the happiest he's ever felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is looooooooooooooooong. I messed up the timeline a little in my planning, so there are some extra chapters coming - but it should all (hopefully) now be in canonical order. I really hope so.
> 
> Let me know if you're enjoying this! :D


	4. Chapter 4

The thing is, Sirius thinks later, is that he'd taken a lot of shit up to this point.

He doesn't tell the others, of course, but his family is large and influential and what this means is that Sirius always has a cousin or two hanging around at Hogwarts. Sure, the worst of them have left, but there are the sneaky relatives left behind - like his little brother, though Regulus is smart enough to stay away most of the time - and they do like to rile him up.

Usually he can ignore it, but they step it up in the spring for some unfathomable reason and it's enough to have him on edge for a few weeks.

Remus - Moony - is the one who comments on it. "Are you okay?" he asks one day as they sit together, trying to work on the map. 

Sirius shrugs and doesn't answer. Moony sighs and Sirius presses his lips together tight - this isn't Moony's problem; it's not anyone's problem but his own. He'd tell them, he thinks, if it wasn't a family thing. He might not want to be a Black through-and-through - he might not like their philosophy or their prejudices, but keeping family problems in the family is a strong pillar of his personality. He can't just tear it down now.

He waits a minute and grins. It's not perfect and he knows Moony sees right through it - the rolled eyes are a dead giveaway - but he smiles back anyway and it turns Sirius' a little more genuine, even as he feels something flip over in his stomach.

Later, he's sure that he wouldn't have done it if they hadn't been taunting him about the others - specifically, about Remus.

No one knows his secret, of course; Sirius suspects that somewhere in his family, someone knows, but Moony isn't important enough to them for them to spill it.

Important to them. They know he's important to Sirius. Sirius rather thinks that's the point.

So when Snivellus makes some thinly-veiled comment about Sirius and Remus sneaking off into the woods, Sirius feels a streak of hot anger that he hasn't felt in a long time. (No point feeling it at home where apathy is the name of the game.) He smirks a little, lets his head tilt in that presumptive Black manner and gives him enough subtle hints that he knows Severus will be running for the Shrieking Shack by the time the moon comes up.

Another thought that occurs much, much later: if he'd thought he was doing right, he probably wouldn't have felt sick as he turned on his heel.

If he'd thought he was doing right, he probably wouldn't have told James.

**

He slinks around the castle grounds, spends a night out in the rain and wonders just how long he can avoid going back into their room. The thought makes him flatten his ears back in distress. 

None of them have come to find him - not even James - and that, more than anything, tells him how badly he's fucked up this time.

 _You were bound to eventually,_ he thinks darkly, the voice in his head oddly reminiscent of his mother's low, dangerous tone. _A Black in Gryffindor? It was only a matter of time before they discovered your cruelty, your madness-_

Night falls and he shakes himself off, aware that he's sulking and he needs to apologise. It's not about him, not this time.

He changes back before he steps back inside the castle and uses secret corridors to reach the Gryffindor common room - no point in being spotted by anyone else, after all. The Fat Lady stares at him but says nothing, swinging open when he forces the password out in a hoarse voice. He has no idea how he looks. 

The common room is empty of everyone except James and Peter, who are sitting by the fire, parchment strewn all over the sofa between them. They both look up when he stumbles in and Peter lets out a high, surprised noise. James purses his lips but doesn't say anything for a long moment.

Finally, he says, "He's upstairs," and he turns back to his work without another glance. 

Sirius swallows around the lump in his throat as Peter looks away too - though he looks distinctly guiltier about it. Sirius walks to the stairs - and then takes them two at a time, figuring that the sooner this is done, it's done. Putting it off isn't achieving anything. 

"Remus?" He stops in the door, his heart hammering.

Remus doesn't look up. He's reading a book - well, the book is open and in his lap, but he seems to be staring beyond the pages, at something only he can see. 

"Remus, I- I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to- I didn't think-"

The book closes with a snap that echoes around the room. Sirius flinches. 

"No," Remus says lowly. "You _didn't_ think. You _never_ think! Do you know what I could have- What I _would_ have done to him? I know you don't like Severus, but do you really want him torn to pieces? You want me to do that?"

"No, of course not-"

"That's what would have happened, though!" Remus all but shouts and when he looks at Sirius his eyes are burning. "If James hadn't grabbed him and then seen me off- I didn't know him. I didn't know _James_. You put everyone in danger and for what?"

"I'm sorry-"

"I don't care. I honestly can't work out what hurts me more right now, Sirius - that you put Severus in that position, that you put James and I in that position, that you gave away what I really am... You know how I feel about this - about all of it. You were the _one person_ I expected to never use what I am against me."

His voice is quieter now but there's anger threaded through it and Sirius realises with a dawning horror that this is by far the worst argument they've ever had and he may never be able to fix this one mistake. Maybe it would serve him right, but the thought of losing Remus, for any reason, makes his stomach turn.

Remus sighs eventually and he looks tired, so tired. He's still angry, but Sirius can see he's disappointed, too. Remus expected more of him. Sirius can't give him that.

"Just, leave me alone Sirius, okay?" Remus doesn't look at him. He reaches with a clumsy hand for the book he dropped on the bed. He looks kind of sad and tired and incredibly alone.

Sirius makes a small, pained noise in the back of his throat before he turns on his heel, running back the way he came. James lifts his head when he rushes through the common room and says something - Sirius thinks it's his name - but he's out of there before he can really register it.

He wanders the corridors until he looks outside and notices streaks of light in the sky. 

He has to find a way to apologise to Remus. They have to be friends again.

They _have_ to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter. Oh lord. It's not getting happier again for a bit, either. 
> 
> Still, hope you enjoyed! ;)


	5. Chapter 5

They don't talk for the rest of the year.

Whenever Sirius enters a room, Remus always seems to be on his way out - and when he's not, then Sirius leaves, because the silence is too pointed between them. He doesn't try to break it. He tried once, three weeks after their last conversation, and Remus had shot him a look so withering that Sirius was surprised he didn't just drop dead where he stood.

He thinks he's almost relieved to be home, which is such a surprise that he wonders, briefly, if he's in some kind of nightmare.

His mother screams at him within about an hour of his return and Sirius sighs, realising that no, this is just his life now. 

**

The first month of the summer passes without incident; Sirius mainly stays in his room, though he does also wander around London from time to time, returning in the early hours of the morning, when he bothers to. 

Then they get the news.

Andromeda's getting married.

Sirius shrugs when he first hears of it - though he thinks it strange that Regulus has made the effort to come all the way upstairs to speak to him - and when his little brother says the next sentence, Sirius realises why he's being told.

"She's marrying a muggle," Regulus says, the dark glee evident on his face. 

Sirius frowns and gets up, pushes past Regulus to make his way down the stairs - and he stops when he sees his mother in front of the family tapestry, wand at the ready. He hears Regulus come up behind him but doesn't turn; neither of them speak. Their mother blasts Andromeda's face from existence and when she sees her sons watching, she smiles. 

Sirius lets out a noise of pure disgust and makes his way back up to his room, slamming the door behind him. No one bothers him for the rest of the night.

**

Occasionally, other family members come to visit. One of these visits happens the day of Andromeda's wedding, when both Narcissa and Bellatrix come for dinner. Sirius is mildly surprised that Bella hasn't taken the opportunity to crash a muggle wedding but Narcissa - ever polite; not that that's exactly a redeeming quality - seems to have been the one to set the appointment up anyway. Sirius slopes down for food at the last possible moment and his father glares at him until he takes a seat at the table. 

His mother smiles unpleasantly. "Have you finally decided to grace us with your presence?" she asks in a sickly-sweet tone. 

Sirius says nothing. He's going to send an owl to James later, he thinks. He's only had one note from his friend all summer - not that it's that unexpected, but still. He's slowly going mental here, a combination of boredom and loneliness and dinners like this aren't helping any.

Bella smirks at him. "Funny behaviour for a traitor," she says. She's not being completely serious - but none of them have ever managed to get over his sorting. 

It doesn't even bother Sirius that much, now. 

"It's 'cause he's got no friends," Regulus says around a mouthful of peas and Sirius' eyes snap to him. Regulus is too eager to impress, which Sirius knows is because his brother has seen the consequences of his own behaviour, but still-

"Oh, poor Sirius," Bella says, grinning. "Not a single mudblood lover interested in talking to you?" She cackles and Sirius' mother laughs too. 

Narcissa's eyes, when Sirius looks to her, are hard steel. He puts his knife and fork down slowly. It's only a few more weeks until he's back at school again-

"Is little Sirius getting angry?" Bella asks. Her face is twisted in delight. Sirius knows he and his cousin resemble each other and wonders if he ever looks like that.

Did he look like that when he told Severus-

He cuts that thought off and pushes back from the table. He's done. He's so incredibly done.

"Where are you going?" his father asks sharply. He probably hasn't even been listening to the conversation - but he notices one of his sons disobeying, because of course he does.

"Out," Sirius replies.

It's his mother's turn to look annoyed. "Where?" she demands, then, "No, you're not. Sit back down and eat your food."

His things are already packed, Sirius thinks absently, like he knew he was going to do this. There's a certain surety about his actions. He hasn't got a choice. He can't stay here.

He turns on his heel and leaves the dining room, ignoring his mother's sudden screaming. He takes the stairs two at a time and drags his trunk out from under his bed. There are still a lot of things he's going to have to leave behind but he can't bring himself to care. Everything important he keeps in his trunk anyway, so that his mother and Kreacher can't get to it. 

He does glance around the room one final time, smirking a little at the muggle posters he's got glued to the walls. They're going to have a fun time trying to peel those off.

With a nervous, unfamiliar feeling in his stomach, Sirius makes his way back down the stairs. His father is waiting at the bottom. He can still hear his mother screaming in the kitchen - the insults are flying thick and fast - but he thinks he can hear Narcissa trying to soothe her. _Good luck, cousin,_ he thinks. She's going to be mad for _ages_. 

"You're making a bad decision, son," his father says and Sirius doesn't look at him, instead dragging his trunk over to the door. He knows exactly what decision he's making. Hell, he knows exactly why it's his father standing here and not his mother. The shame of their son leaving will follow them around for a few years at least. Of course, they'll twist it; they'll point out that he's a Gryffindor, that he hangs around with muggle lovers and half-bloods. He hopes with all his heart that no one knows Remus' secret. 

Hand on the doorknob, Sirius looks over his shoulder at his father, who stares impassively back at him. Until this point, Sirius has been sure that Regulus always took after their father the most, but this expression - it's like looking into a mirror. Sirius hopes that this decision won't make his eyes so flat and dead in the future.

He opens the door and steps out into the cool London night. The door slams behind him and Sirius takes a deep breath, feeling almost all of the tension drain out of his body.

That's it. He's free.

**

He arrives at the Potter house at some early hour of the morning and debates for a long time whether he should knock or wait until the sun comes up. The house is visible from all sides though, so he's only going to draw attention to himself if he waits outside.

He knocks, feeling terrible as he does so. James isn't Remus - they were talking at least, when they left for the summer, but there's a tension there that Sirius can't shake. If James turns him away now, Sirius isn't sure where he can go.

Maybe to Andromeda? He doesn't know where she is, but he can find her. 

The door opens and it's James' dad, staring suspiciously out into the night. When he sees Sirius with his trunk and pale face, he sighs, like he's been expecting this.

"Come on in," he says. "Do you want something to drink?"

Sirius nods and suddenly his body is trembling all over as the reality of what he's done hits him full-force. James' dad helps him pull his trunk inside and then, with a hand on Sirius' shoulder, steers him gently into the kitchen. He leaves Sirius alone for a couple of minutes and Sirius hears hushed voices in another room, but he doesn't even try to make out what they're saying. 

James moves into Sirius' field of vision and he jerks his head up, surprised. "You idiot," James says quietly, but there's an element of fondness in it. "You want to stay here?"

Sirius licks his lips, his throat dry. There's a burning sensation at the back of his eyes, but there's no point in shedding tears over this. What's done is done.

In his mind's eye, he sees his mother, her wand raised - and a hole, in the tapestry, where his face should be.

"Please," he says.

James smiles softly and sits down next to him. They stay that way until the sun rises and Sirius finally, thankfully, falls asleep.

**

He spends the next few days wandering around the Potter house like a ghost. James tries to entertain him, but Sirius is brooding and though he tries to snap out of it, he doesn't always manage to. 

James' parents are perfectly understanding, however, which is a novel concept for Sirius. James' father doesn't ask and his mother is a quiet, almost comforting presence.

A week after his arrival, an owl comes. Sirius recognises it and is sure he feels his heart break - because while he hasn't seen that owl all summer, it's clear that James has. 

He turns and buries his head in James' pillow, because of course James and Remus have been in contact all summer – but he looks up when James taps him on the shoulder.

"Mail for you," he says.

He passes Sirius a small slip of paper and opens his own letter, which Sirius looks at with no small amount of envy.

He looks down at the note in his hands. _You were too good for them anyway. - M._

Sirius feels that same burning sensation at the back of his eyes and swallows a shaky breath. It'll be okay. He'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, this one took too long and it's kind of disjointed - but hopefully with the next chapter, we'll be getting into happier times. Poor Sirius :(


	6. Chapter 6

James' parents take them to King's Cross on the 1st September and while they're saying their goodbyes, Sirius keeps a wary eye out for any member of his family, no matter how distant a relative they may be. He spots Regulus through a crowd of Slytherins but his brother doesn't even look in his direction. Sirius thinks maybe he hasn't been noticed, but another of the Slytherins looks at him and sneers and he realises he has, but he's been ignored.

Well, it's better than the alternative, he thinks. 

James' parents say goodbye to him, too, before they leave, and then it's just him and James dragging their trunks onto the train and commandeering a compartment for when Peter arrives.

Sirius hopes Remus will come and sit with them as well, but he hasn't heard anything else from the other boy all summer, so he doesn't have his hopes up too high.

Still, when Peter bounds in ten minutes later, he's dragging Remus along by the arm. They put their trunks away and sit on the seat opposite, Peter's grin very bright.

When he looks at Sirius, it dims a little. "Sorry about what happened, Padfoot," he mutters quietly. 

Sirius smiles too, though he knows his is week and he can feel James' stiff awkwardness beside him. "Don't worry about it," he replies, because there's no point in that - in them worrying about it too. 

"Are you okay?" Remus asks and when Sirius looks up to see who Remus is talking too, he's surprised to see it's him. 

He swallows once, nervously, and when he smiles this time, it's softer but he can feel it's more genuine. "I'm good," he replies. "Really."

Remus eyes him for a long moment, his lips pursed like he's thinking, before he nods. "Okay," he says. 

James starts a conversation after that, something about how amazing this school year is going to be but Sirius doesn't really listen. 

He spends most of the train journey subtly eyeing Remus, instead. 

**

At first it's a little awkward, navigating the fact that they haven't spoken properly for months, as well as trying to not mention the incident that led to it in the first place. Still, Sirius struggles through, certain that most of the awkwardness is on his part anyway.

It goes fine for a while. By the night before December's full moon, when James is discussing what they could all do - they could explore the Forbidden Forest again - Sirius looks up and realises Remus is looking at him. 

"You're coming, right?" he says. James pauses mid-sentence.

Sirius blinks, surprised. "I, uh-" He hasn't thought about it. Obviously he hasn't joined them since. If Remus-the-boy was mad at him, he never wanted to think about what Remus-the-wolf might do. 

Remus is still looking at him, but his expression is a little uncertain and Sirius wonders if it has been as awkward for Remus, if he's been unsure how to approach things, too.

"Yes," he says finally. "I'll be there."

The smile Remus gives him is so honest and so pleased that Sirius feels his stomach do a little flip. James rolls his eyes and goes back to planning, with Peter and Remus interjecting every once in a while. Sirius feels heat creep up the back of his neck as he eyes Remus again. Best not to dwell on it.

**

It happens more and more often though, and by the time it gets to the Christmas holidays, Sirius is sure somebody else is going to notice the almost-constant state of blushing he has going on around Remus. James doesn't mention it, however - and Sirius knows that, had he noticed, he would - so he resolves to not think about it.

The fact is, he's not bothered about being attracted to Remus except for the fact that it's Remus he's attracted to. Any other boy - with obvious exceptions - then he probably wouldn't care. 

In fact, he'd probably have made a move by now.

But Remus is different. For one thing, they've been friends since they started school, more or less. It's strange to think about him differently. For another, he is positive that Remus doesn't feel the same way about him. They've only just started talking again, for Merlin's sake! He can't just ruin it all now-

He spends so much time worrying about it that the others do begin to notice something is wrong with him. James asks him one day at breakfast - when Sirius is still too sleepy for his mind to be fully-functioning beyond the ideas that he needs something with caffeine in it and he really wants to kiss along Remus' collarbone, which he can see past the unbuttoned top of Remus' shirt. Remus is looking very thin. It's the full moon in two weeks.

"What's going on, Padfoot?" James hisses quietly, when Sirius hasn't answered for a full minute.

Sirius drags his eyes up to his friend. "What?"

"What's going on with you?" James asks again, this time a little more sympathetically. Peter and Remus are looking at him now, too, and there's equal concern in all their gazes. 

"I- Nothing," Sirius replies. It's a little petulant and he knows they don't believe him, but he looks down at his plate, hoping they'll drop the subject.

There's nothing on his plate. Shit.

He reaches for a slice of toast, though he's not sure if he even wants to eat it, when Peter says, "You look like Prongs when he sees Evans." There's a laugh in his voice and Sirius drops the piece of toast like he's been scalded.

Shit.

James laughs a little too loudly for Sirius' liking and he focuses on him, avoiding looking anywhere in Remus' direction. Surely they haven't seen-

"Who's the lucky girl, then?" James asks. Thank Merlin.

Still, the question makes him fidget because they've spoken about girls in the past - of course they have - but Sirius has never mentioned that boys are as interesting too. 

He's never told them about the Ravenclaw seventh year from last year, but then none of them were speaking much with him at the time. 

"There's no girl," he says.

James tilts his head to the side, his eyes assessing. Peter looks confused. Remus - Remus' expression, Sirius can't read. 

"There's no girl," Sirius repeats, "Because there's-" He hesitates and then the words all spill out, all at once. "Because there's a boy."

James smirks. He's completely unfazed, because of course he is. Peter blinks a few times and looks to the others. He nods, slowly, and Sirius knows it might take him some getting used to, but he'll get there.

Remus' expression hasn't changed but there seems to be less tension in his shoulders. 

"So who's the lucky boy?" James asks, amending his question.

Sirius laughs at that. James waggles his eyebrows. "Is it me, Padfoot?" he asks, his voice teasing but not mocking. Any and all worry Sirius feels surrounding this issue dissolves into the air. These boys all mean different things to him, but it's been James who has looked after him the most, who has sheltered him from his family. He doesn't want to lose him. As much as losing the others would hurt, Sirius feels he could pull through it and still be strong on the other side. He's practically done it with Remus already.

If he loses James, whenever, for whatever reason, he thinks that will probably be the end of him.

So he replies, "Don't flatter yourself, Prongs. I'm not interested in boys who'll burst my eardrums with their snoring," and he picks up a slice of toast, taking a large bite. It's all fine.

**

By February, Sirius has learnt how to control himself around Remus a lot more. There's none of that tension between them anymore and if he sometimes finds himself staring at Remus for a little too long, well then he can chalk it up to hormones or something like that. He's not in love with his friend. He's not.

James has been trying to step things up with Evans, too - and seriously, Sirius thinks, he's chasing the impossible, but James is at a whole level beyond that - so when he comes to Sirius on the day of the full moon, Peter in tow, Sirius isn't as surprised as he should be.

"I've got something to do tonight," James says and there's a note of pleading in his voice that Sirius hates, because it means he'll end up doing whatever James wants. "I need Peter to help me with it. Would you be okay going to see Moony alone?" 

Sirius shrugs. "What are you doing?" he asks. 

James grins. "Gonna try and surprise Evans with a romantic date."

"Has she even said yes?"

James shifts from foot to foot. "She's close," he says, "I know it."

"Well," Sirius proclaims, sitting up, "While you two are being super creepy, yes, I will go hang out with Moony. If you come back here hexed, don't expect me to help you."

"Thanks, Padfoot!" James replies, beaming, and runs out of their dormitory, Peter close on his heels. Sirius rolls his eyes and goes back to reading his book, but he's honestly a little pleased. It's not like it will be him and Remus hanging out as such, but it'll be nice to run around with the wolf without checking that the others are okay, too. 

**

It's a crisp night. He shakes the snowflakes from his fur, the wolf padding alongside him. He barks and the wolf looks at him with one yellow eye - and then they're running, racing through the snow to the dark mass of trees in the distance. 

The air smells of winter and trees and people and when they enter the forest, Sirius slinks through the trees, the wolf close on his heels. 

There's a small thud as the wolf tackles him and they land in a snowdrift. Sirius twists his body out from underneath the heavy wolf and runs again, enjoying the chase. 

It's all play - and the wolf can't play with Prongs or Wormtail in the same way, not in the way that has him worn-out by sun-up and Sirius has to nudge him back into the Shrieking Shack.

He leaves as dawn touches the sky and makes it back into the dormitory before any of the other Gryffindors seem to have even stirred. James and Peter are both fast asleep still. 

Sirius crawls into bed with a smile on his face.

**

When he wakes again, it has to be the afternoon. The room is empty aside from him and he frowns. They've been doing so well at making it to class the next day these past few months - they don't want anyone to get suspicious, after all - but he supposes he did run about a lot more last night.

He thinks. It's a little before noon, which means almost time for lunch, and they have Charms this afternoon, so he should probably go. He pulls himself out of bed and stumbles into the bathroom to wash.

When he walks back into the room, Remus is standing in the centre of it. He frowns. His friends looks pale, but not so bad as he did last month. He can't be so bad, if they've only kept him in for a few hours. 

"Moony?" he asks. "You okay?"

"It was only you last night, wasn't it?" Remus replies. 

Sirius feels his throat go dry and he nods. Is Remus mad again? It wasn't his fault this time-

Remus' face splits into a wide grin and Sirius just stares. "I remembered," Remus says. "I remember it was you and- and me, and we went into the forest-" He laughs. "We shouldn't have gone in there," he says, "But I remember it being fun."

Sirius smiles back. "It was fun," he says. He takes a few steps towards Remus. "You gonna sleep the rest of the day?" he asks. 

Remus nods. He looks tired, but weary, not the kind of delirious, bone-tired he's looked in the past. His head's still in it. Sirius reaches out and takes his arm. "Come on then," he says. "Sleep now and you'll probably be awake in time for dinner."

Remus allows himself to be steered towards the bed, but when they stand next to it, he turns and looks directly into Sirius' eyes. Sirius feels his breathing quicken and then realises they're too close; Remus probably heard that. 

"Thank you," Remus says quietly, sincerely. "Last night, he, I- I felt safe, Sirius. Thank you."

Sirius drops his gaze. "Don't worry about it," he says, mostly to the floor and he figures Remus is probably smiling because there's fondness in his voice.

"Really," he says, "I don't know what James and Peter thought they were doing, but last night was good. Transforming back- It was a little easier this morning."

Sirius looks up at him again, because despite everything, Remus never speaks about his transformations like this. They know he becomes a wolf every month and they know the mechanics of it because of their lessons, but they don't know a thing about how he experiences it.

"I'm glad I could help," Sirius replies and it's sincere. 

Remus smiles, that genuine smile that hits Sirius like a punch to the stomach every time and he catches Remus' changing expression too late-

"Oh."

Sirius goes to take a step back, to leave, but Remus' hands grab his wrists and he stops, stands still. It's Remus now who's looking down. Sirius can feel his heart hammering in his chest. Oh Merlin, if he's screwed this up-

"Really?" Remus asks. His eyes meet Sirius' again, hopeful. His voice is a little pleased. 

Sirius chokes out a laugh; he can't help it. Before Remus' smile drops, he says, "Well, who else was it gonna be?"

Remus kisses him. He drags him forward by the front of his pyjama shirt and kisses him softly, sweetly. Sirius' hands are shaking and he can't figure out where to put them, because this is Remus - oh _Merlin_ , this is _Remus_ \- and Remus pulls back, huffing a breath against Sirius' cheek.

"You are ridiculous," he says, and reaches, placing Sirius' hands on his waist. "Now, Padfoot, would you just kiss me?" 

His lips are close and Sirius grins, kissing Remus like his life depends on it, wrapping his arms around Remus' waist and pulling him close. Remus' hands tangle in his hair and their kisses are fast and breathless - more than Sirius ever thought he could want. He smiles again when they pull away. 

Remus looks incredible and all Sirius wants to do is push him onto the bed and make those lips even more swollen. He wants to kiss down his neck and lick the hollow between his collarbones and-

Remus yawns and Sirius laughs, still not letting go. "Bed," he says instead, his voice hoarse. 

Remus looks like he might argue, but Sirius shakes his head. "You need to sleep," he says. "It's going to be worse if you fall asleep on me."

"I would not-"

"Shut up," Sirius says and laughs at Remus' affronted look. He reaches and takes Remus' cloak off, letting it drop on the floor, then pushes him back to the bed. "I'll come and get you before dinner," he says, "Though if James and Peter come back up here, you might be awake by then."

Remus slides under the duvet and then chews on his bottom lip, looking uncharacteristically nervous. "Do you- Would you mind-?" 

"What, Moony?" Sirius asks. He feels like every part of him is glowing. He can't honestly remember the last time he was this happy.

"Stay with me?" Remus asks and his voice is small. 

Sirius looks down at him. There's no decision to make. He's kind of crazy about this boy.

"Budge over, then," he says. Remus does and Sirius slides in beside him, wrapping one arm around Remus' waist. It's almost more intimate than the kissing, the way their legs tangle together and Sirius' senses are full of Remus; the tickle of his hair on Sirius' nose, the sound of his breathing, his scent-

"Thanks," Remus mutters again and Sirius presses a kiss to his nape. 

"Don't be silly, thanking me," he whispers. "Just go to sleep."

Remus does fall asleep, slowly, but Sirius stays awake a bit longer. He can't believe it. He curls around Remus a little, careful not to wake him. He's not going to ruin this.

He's not going to ruin any of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um so I think this is the happiest this story is going to be? At least it's the longest chapter :P - which is why it was such a pain to write. Still, hope you enjoyed!


	7. Chapter 7

A few years pass. The Marauders finish school - much to the relief, Sirius thinks, of a few of their professors - and after a summer spent at home, Lily and James find a little flat together.

Sirius and Remus find their own not long after, a few streets from their friends. Peter's parents live in London anyway, so he stays at home a while longer. It doesn't mean he misses out on anything; he spends more time with James and Lily or Sirius and Remus than he does at home. 

Much, much later, when Sirius looks back on those years, he remembers them as a sunny haze, full of laughter and music and that youthful, indestructible feeling. 

It doesn't last as long as it should.

James and Lily get married and Sirius is proud to stand by James' side as his best man; he's even prouder to dance with Remus at the reception, their bodies close. No one looks their way because no one cares. It's a heady feeling and Sirius lets out a contented sigh.

When Remus smiles, it's not as bright or as wide as it should be, but when Sirius opens his mouth to ask, he shakes his head and presses a kiss to Sirius' cheek. 

"Later," he whispers and Sirius shakes off the feeling that has settled, unwelcome, on his shoulders. 

Later comes, Sirius sitting on the edge of their bed as Remus stoops down, kissing him soundly. He presses Sirius back into the bed and Sirius curls his hands around Remus' arms, stopping him.

"What's going on?" he asks.

Remus looks up, his eyes shadowed in the half-light that spills through their window. "I've been asked to go on a mission," Remus says. "Dumbledore asked."

He's not really asked anything of them so far, though they've all been keeping an eye and an ear out for anything strange. Sirius isn't surprised Remus has been asked first, though. He's the smart, reliable one - and, he has the time. He's in between jobs again. Not many places want to employ a werewolf.

"What do you have to do?" Sirius asks, propping himself up on his elbows. His heart is thudding painfully against his ribs. 

"There've been rumours of..." Remus takes a deep breath. "The werewolves are getting organised. I'm surprised it took Dumbledore this long to ask. They- We don't have good job prospects, good lives. He thinks lots of them are joining, not always as Death Eaters, but- He wants me to feel the situation out."

Remus isn't shaking, but Sirius is sure it's a close thing. "Okay," he says and when Remus meets his eyes, he surges up to embrace him. Remus lets out a shuddering breath and his arms close around Sirius' back.

"I'm going after the next full moon," he mutters into Sirius' shoulder. "Dumbledore said a week, maybe two, then to come back. He doesn't want me there when I could change."

Sirius nods. There's no telling what could happen - what the others do on a full moon. He presses a kiss to Remus' hair and they stay that way for a while, holding each other in silence. 

This fear that Sirius feels isn't entirely alien to him, because he'd rather any situation happen to him instead of one of his friends, but the way it takes him over is new. He wants to curl himself around Remus, to lock them both in their little flat - and at the same time he knows that it's fruitless, that they're both too concerned about everyone else and doing what they can to help-

Remus pulls back and kisses him and he moves frantically, almost. Sirius tries to gentle his moves, but when Remus presses down so that the whole length of his body is against Sirius, he surrenders. Whatever Remus wants. 

He can only hope it will all be okay.

**

Months pass. Every month, Remus leaves for a few weeks at at time. When he comes back, he doesn't talk about it and Sirius doesn't ask, but they do usually have some kind of life-affirming sex in whatever room they're occupying upon Remus' arrival. 

It kind of works, until it doesn't.

A few weeks after Lily gives birth, after Sirius sees James crying for the first time, holding his son, Sirius visits and he knows something is wrong. It's in the delicate, desperate way Lily tends to Harry. It's in James' hushed attitude.

Dumbledore explains the situation to them, to the five of them, because James had insisted that Sirius, Remus and Peter should know too.

"We have to go into hiding," James repeats later, when he and Sirius sit outside, drinking beer. Peter has gone home already. Remus is inside with Lily and Sirius is sure he's doing his best to stop her worrying. 

"Will you do it?" James asks.

Sirius takes a long pull of his beer and doesn't say anything for a long moment. He knows he will. James knows he will. Remus knows he will; he'd caught Sirius' eye when James asked him to come outside and Sirius had seen his sad acceptance of the situation. 

Something else for them to not talk about. It rankles a little. 

"Of course," Sirius replies, because what else can he say. "I'd ask you, if-"

The words hang in the cool spring air and James nods. "Thank you," he says. His smile is lopsided. 

Sirius leans over enough so that their shoulders bump against each other and they finish their beers in silence.

**

With James and Lily gone, Sirius thinks that means he and Remus might spend more time together, but if anything, everything seems to get worse. More of their friends are dying. Remus has to go away for weeks at a time, but now Sirius does too, to dig into the pasts of families he really only remembers from his childhood.

It's enough to drive them both crazy and when they are together, they're either all over each other, or they're at each other's' throats. 

By June, they barely speak. When Remus returns, he's hunched in on himself, bags under his eyes that look like bruises. The full moon was two days before and Sirius doesn't know if he's more angry or worried.

Remus looks at Sirius, sitting there on one of their three dingy kitchen chairs and he swallows. He walks past him and into the bathroom, closing the door with a click that seems to echo around the room.

Sirius takes a deep breath, his insides twisting. He stands, but then he sits again, because he isn't sure what he wants to do.

He stands. He walks to the bathroom door and it takes a full ten seconds before he knocks. 

The door opens and Remus stands before him, shirtless and pale. Sirius has seen all of Remus' scars, every last one of them inflicted by the wolf, his demon. 

There are fresh scratches all over Remus' torso and Sirius' eyes catalogue them with mounting horror. Remus reaches out and touches Sirius' hand. 

"Not- Padfoot, please-"

Sirius curls his fingers around Remus' hand, their one connecting point. Remus takes two steps forwards and kisses him, not the frantic, needy kisses that have become a fixture of their last few months together, but something different altogether. It's slow and sensual and loving.

Sirius steps back when Remus pushes and when the kiss breaks, Remus tugs Sirius' hand, leading him into the bedroom. They kiss again by the bed, Remus pulling Sirius' shirt off and over his head as Sirius reaches for the button on Remus' trousers.

They fumble and it's awkward sometimes, in a way it hasn't been in years, but then Remus is above him and Sirius is inside him and Remus dips his head, pressing his lips to Sirius' neck.

"I'm sorry, Padfoot," he says, "I'm sorry." 

Sirius feels his eyes sting and he shakes his head, pulling Remus closer, wishing they could be closer than they are. "Don't be, I love you- I _love_ you, Moony."

"I love you," Remus replies. "Remember that, please-"

Sirius exhales, hot breath on Remus' shoulder as his climax shudders through him. Remus follows soon after and they kiss again, slowly.

Later, Remus asleep beside him, Sirius stares at his features in the darkness. He feels something deep inside. Something is very wrong. 

He closes his eyes and nestles into Remus' warmth. 

**

Dumbledore comes to Sirius a week later. Remus is gone again. Dumbeldore tells him someone close to James and Lily wants to betray them and Sirius excuses himself to go throw up. 

When he drags himself back out of the bathroom, Dumbledore takes one look at his pale face and the resigned anger in his eyes and nods. "I'll talk to James," Sirius says. "I can't- I can't be trusted. Not if it's him."

James takes the news well, all things considered. Sirius thinks that James doesn't quite believe him; that he thinks this will all be over soon and they'll all be fine and things will go back to the way they were years ago.

He doesn't have the heart to tell him that this is it for he and Remus, that their relationship is already dead and buried. They've been carrying on with its ghost, but even that is being exorcised.

Sirius has already moved his things out of the flat. He doesn't know if he's going to leave a note or if he'll be there in person.

Harry toddles out of the kitchen and Sirius smiles, lifting the boy onto his knee. 

"They can't get here if I'm not the secret keeper," he says. "Pick Peter. They'll not even think to go after him."

James nods. "I hope we're wrong, Sirius," he says quietly. He looks at his son for a long moment and Harry twists in Sirius' lap. Sirius lets him down.

"Yeah," Sirius says. "Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um so I may have forgotten about this fic for a while? I am so terrible at updating.
> 
> also things got sad - prepare for them to get worse? :( if anyone is still reading this, I apologise in advance for what will happen in future installments (that should be more timely)
> 
> but also thanks for reading and giving kudos and commenting and all that jazz :D I really appreciate it!


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